Friday, February 1, 2008

Skeletons in the Closet, Part 2

(continued from http://mryukslifeboxed.blogspot.com/2008/01/skeletonas-in-closet-part-1.html)
As the world went from black to grey, and things started coming back into focus, I felt a pleasant nuzzling of my ear, a warm, moist open-mouthed caressing of my lobes.

Groggily, I said: “No baby, it’s too early..”

At this, I was jolted awake by a sharp kick to my solar plexus, and coming out of my delirium, I noticed that the aforementioned deer was the culprit of said nuzzling.

“Comet!”, I yelled, what are you doing?”

“Trying to wake you up, weirdo!”

“Oh, I must have fallen unconscious. So, what brings you to the Keystone State in March, and more particularly, to MY rooftop?”

It was then, ladies and gentlemen, that I was told a great tale of woe, and shortly after my feud with Santa began:

“It all started,” Comet intoned, “when I was a young buck, specifically on the day I found the cleaning supplies”

“Let me tell you something, Mr. Yuk, elves are not the happy-go-lucky creatures people always see in the movies. They see themselves as masters of Santa’s realm, and are nasty, spiteful little creatures. Elves are also messy, and a secret that Santa does not let out is that THEY ARE NOT HOUSETRAINED! Fortunately, they do not urinate, as they cannot intake fluids. They do however; leave rabbit-style pellets all over the place. Now, you can imagine that this can create quite a mess, with thousands of the little buggers running around the compound, so one day I decided to clean up the reindeer section, ridding it of Elf nuggets.”

“This was around the time that Santa was holding his yearly tryouts for the sleigh-team. My parents had high hopes for me, but I was not so sure. I was still young at the time and not quite as developed as many of the others, I remember Cupid in particular was quite dashing, he was always caught sneaking into the doe stalls. Blitzen had a bit of a drinking problem, when into his eggnog he had been known to cause quite a stir. I was the small, soft spoken one, without much of a chance to make the team. Fate, my friend, was about to intervene. “

“I was looking for some solvent, some supply that would ease the de-pooing process, when I stumbled upon a can of some unknown substance that seemed to sparkle with it’s own inner light. The smell of it was alluring, and if I needed any more assurance, my name was already on the can!”

“This, I figured, was the key, the magic ingredient that would allow me to defeat my opponents in the sleigh tryouts! Eager to make a test run, I looked around for some water with which to dissolve the crystalline powder, but alas, the elves had used the all of our supply for their hedonistic spa parties. So, with no other choice, I snorted the first of many lines up my willing snout.”

“Mr. Yuk, I swear to you I never thought what I was doing was wrong. If only there was some label to affix to cleansers telling young fawns that these are not things to be monkied around with! But alas, I knew not of their pain, and only of their pleasures. The energy provided to me by that powder quickly led me to the top of the sleigh race and I was on the team!”

“The years passed and I continued to be the fastest, but my addiction got worse. It wasn’t long before I was dipping into stockings, looking for pixie sticks to snort up my increasingly scabby nostrils. On the Christmas run of 2003, I hit the wall. Literally, I led the sleigh into the remains of the Berlin Wall. Oh Rudolph, if only you were there to guide the sleigh on that fateful evening!”
“Santa and I had words, and I broke down, begging for his mercy and help. With a sigh, Santa cut my reigns and pointed into the gloam. I was never to see him, my friends, or family again.”

Well, gentle reader, you can imagine my shagrin and dismay upon hearing this story. In the following months, I worked with Comet to get him off the powder, and started a campaign to get Santa to properly label his detergents and to take young Mr. Comet back. My requests went unheeded, and every Christmas since, Santa has done something despicable to my house, culminating in the scene depicted on my Christmas LTC.

I do not regret my experience however, as Comet has become a loyal friend and hiking partner, and saves me a bundle on airfare!