It is with heavy heart that I have to post this, but I suppose you cannot lead a political life without a few skeletons bone-dancing out of your closet. The first, in this candidate’s campaign, came on the heels of me announcing my interest in running for the position of first LB President.
Yesterday, prolific carver and all-around wonderful boxer Dale End Farm posted the following message on the AQ boards regarding my personage:
http://www.atlasquest.com/boards/message.html?gMsgId=180291
Now, Santa usually puts coal in the stockings of individuals who have been bad the previous year. Let’s just say that Santa is doing something MUCH worse on my Christmas LTC.
What most people do not understand is that the qualifications for whether you have been “BAD” or “GOOD” is an arbitrary system decided on by Santa himself! And Santa, gentle reader, holds grudges!
It March of this year, it will be four years since the start of my ongoing feud with Santa (which is an anagram for Satan, mind you) started. Though I wish we could make amends and bring an end to this sad state of affairs, Mr. Kringle chooses to continue to harass and intimidate my family.
On that chilly morning in March of 2004, I awoke to a crunching sound, reverberating the house to-and-fro. Concerned as to what could be making such a noise (squirrels in the rafters?), I got out of bed and searched the house. The crunching continued, but a source could not be found. So I put on my boots, hiked up my flannel pajamas, and walked into the yard. Glancing up to the eaves of my roof, I was startled to see a deer (very unlike the whitetails we have in PA) perched on my shingles!
Upon regaining my balance, I shouted up to the deer “Ahoy there, come down from my gambrels this moment!” To my surprise, in one agile bound, the deer floated through the air and landed lightly on the lawn in front of me. While backing up in shock, the deer looked me in the eyes and said:
“Do not be alarmed, sir! It is merely I, Comet, looking for a place to rest from my wanderings!”
At this, I tripped over a brick at the border of my herb garden, fell over backwards, and hit my head upon the northwest corner of my home.
*fades to black*
To be continued!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Major Endorsement!
As a pacifist, vegetarian, and Nobel Prize winning physicist, I would like to briefly step from the ether to lend my wholehearted endorsement of one Mr. Yuk for the upcoming Presidential elections.
Sincerely,
Albert Einstein
Friday, January 25, 2008
Mr. Yuk for Prez
A half-score of years ago, our forefathers brought to this great nation a beginning. A beginning of something great: Letterboxing. Though nigh ten years have passed since the first box twas placed in the fair woodland beauty of the United States, we have seen letterboxing expand and take on realms new and varied, while still remaining true to it’s roots.
I ask you, gentle citizen, would you have this pastime destroyed, torn asunder at it’s very core by vagabonds and ne’er-do-wells. I say no, you wouldn’t. But that very thing is what will happen if you hand the presidency to one of the current “candidates.”
Wassamatta_u? There’s a lottamatta. For one, he has shown a degree of joviality not fitting of a president. Would you want our foreign relations further strained by a Chaplainesqe prankster in his underwear? You would not. Additionally, wassamatta_u is a MOOSE! A moose with a squirrel fetish no less. Who knows what kind of secret signals he receives with those antlers (antennas?) of his.
Team New Hampshire? NAY! I say. Team New Hampshire’s lead man is a modern day Fagin, arming roving bands of delinquents with cooties to trouble the carry-alls, pouches, and bags of many-a-letterboxer. Would you give more power to a man with an army of urchins already at his command, his every beckon call?
MaineKokopellian. I will cite Wikipedia here:
Kokopelli is a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with a huge phallus and feathers or antenna-like protrusions on his head), who has been venerated by some Native American cultures in the Southwestern United States. Like most fertility deities, Kokopelli presides over both childbirth and agriculture. He is also a trickster god and represents the spirit of music.
Among the Hopi, Kokopelli carries unborn children on his back and distributes them to women (for this reason, young girls often fear him). He often takes part in rituals relating to marriage, and Kokopelli himself is sometimes depicted with a consort, a woman called Kokopelmana by the Hohokam and Hopi.
‘nuff said.
There is also a fourth candidate, and while I will not choose to cast disparaging remarks at a 10 year old, I would also not choose one to lead me into the future.
What do I offer?
1. I pledge I will contact Heritage Mint directly and not only get them to NOT discontinue the very popular sandwich size of lock-n-lock, I will use my leverage to get them to produce, a smaller, flatter, rectangular size, which this candidate think would be very nice.
2. I will drink beer at least three times per week.
3. I will send ready-made letterboxes to the first ten requesters, so they may plant them as they wish.
4. I will start a national letterbox reclamation committee, designed to bring back historical letterboxes in all areas of the country.
5. I will shower each and every day, except for Sundays, and if I am camping or hiking overnight.
I’m Mr. Yuk, and I’m running for President.
I ask you, gentle citizen, would you have this pastime destroyed, torn asunder at it’s very core by vagabonds and ne’er-do-wells. I say no, you wouldn’t. But that very thing is what will happen if you hand the presidency to one of the current “candidates.”
Wassamatta_u? There’s a lottamatta. For one, he has shown a degree of joviality not fitting of a president. Would you want our foreign relations further strained by a Chaplainesqe prankster in his underwear? You would not. Additionally, wassamatta_u is a MOOSE! A moose with a squirrel fetish no less. Who knows what kind of secret signals he receives with those antlers (antennas?) of his.
Team New Hampshire? NAY! I say. Team New Hampshire’s lead man is a modern day Fagin, arming roving bands of delinquents with cooties to trouble the carry-alls, pouches, and bags of many-a-letterboxer. Would you give more power to a man with an army of urchins already at his command, his every beckon call?
MaineKokopellian. I will cite Wikipedia here:
Kokopelli is a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with a huge phallus and feathers or antenna-like protrusions on his head), who has been venerated by some Native American cultures in the Southwestern United States. Like most fertility deities, Kokopelli presides over both childbirth and agriculture. He is also a trickster god and represents the spirit of music.
Among the Hopi, Kokopelli carries unborn children on his back and distributes them to women (for this reason, young girls often fear him). He often takes part in rituals relating to marriage, and Kokopelli himself is sometimes depicted with a consort, a woman called Kokopelmana by the Hohokam and Hopi.
‘nuff said.
There is also a fourth candidate, and while I will not choose to cast disparaging remarks at a 10 year old, I would also not choose one to lead me into the future.
What do I offer?
1. I pledge I will contact Heritage Mint directly and not only get them to NOT discontinue the very popular sandwich size of lock-n-lock, I will use my leverage to get them to produce, a smaller, flatter, rectangular size, which this candidate think would be very nice.
2. I will drink beer at least three times per week.
3. I will send ready-made letterboxes to the first ten requesters, so they may plant them as they wish.
4. I will start a national letterbox reclamation committee, designed to bring back historical letterboxes in all areas of the country.
5. I will shower each and every day, except for Sundays, and if I am camping or hiking overnight.
I’m Mr. Yuk, and I’m running for President.
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